feeling shitty

At first I wasn't going to write this and I felt like writing this in a notebook and starting a journal (reading "Tales of a Punk Rock Nothing" make me wanna start a journal), but I decided fuck it, I mean no one reads this and the people who do I trust (yea I trust you, be flattered). Why do I feel shitty?
I think it's a combination of the following (in no particular order):
Feeling distant from Ithaca
Not being able to see Since because of shitty logistics
Not having the same crew of friends as in Montreal (I need to make some literally rad friends)
Having spent a night in jail and consequently not feeling the shoplifting thing as much and of course the general shittyness of that whole situation in general
Knowing that Ithaca is probably gonna start seeing someone (this I feel is stupid, I mean I gotta walk the walk if I talk the talk, I'm surprised this is even part the shit that's getting to me, I guess it's because the feeling distant is also here that it's getting to me)
Feeling lonely despite efforts to be social
I kinda just want someone to give me a huge hug and kiss and really mean it. I tried to cry but I can't, maybe gender socialization is deeply ingrained in me, maybe I'm just not sad enough to cry, I don't remember the last time I cried, is that healthy?
Hopefully I'll see Since later today and tell her about the shitty night in jail and cuddle in front of a movie and maybe do other things. If I can't contact her at 7 I'm gonna go to the Anarchist Black Cross to hang out there; meet people, make new friends, find people who might be down to garden in the squat garden. I gotta call Virgil and ask if he wants to work on it tomorrow. I should probably look at the bike messenger dude that Cipher's dad told me about.
I'm thinking I'll be less sad if I have work, but at the same time that's pretty shitty, it won't mean stuff is less shitty it just means I won't notice it as much, which is, you know, a great way to make the world a better place, just kinda stop seeing all the problems...
Maybe I got too used to Ithaca being around and making me feel good. In Montreal when I was seeing Pagoda and Ice Cream and Ithaca, I never dealt with stuff like this, I guess it just didn't come up. Iunno, I've always felt that poly was good for me because it kept me balanced, never too worried about any one relationship because I knew that at the end of the day there was always someone I could hold/who could hold me. Not that I don't want to be in any kind of invested relationship, that's not it, I really like what is going on with Ithaca and I, it's been since April that we've been seeing each other which is longer than I've ever been with anyone before and it's nice. There are ups and downs but they seem worth it. I feel as though I'm ranting, but not even sure what about...
I wanna squat a building, open a community center, never pay rent, do food not bombs, and generally spread what I consider to be anarchist alternatives to the shitty capitalist bull that's happening now. I mean it could totally be worse. I guess I'm just discouraged a bit from doing anything illegal because of the arrest, and the finger prints and the photos and the getting busted shoplifting it all took place to close to each other. I shoulda stole the map of Manhattan, I would of totally gotten away with it and it would've kept my theft-confidence up...
I'll see what's up with what...
writing this felt good, if you read this you're awesome I guess...

Shitty night and today

Before yesterday I went to see a concert in Central park with Wedge and another friend, but it sucked to we left. We were walking to Time Square to meet a friend. As we walked along 42nd street and long story short I got arrested for carrying a "gravity knife", which is apparently illegal. I spent the night in three cells. At around 7.30 PM yesterday I got out and I have to show up to court the 20th of September (that's great you know because it's not like I'm gonna be going to school in Montreal or anything...) Staying in jail is shitty. I went and hung out with Bigs and Wedge and some other friends the night I got out but I was super tired so I couldn't really enjoy it. Today I'm supposed to see Since and watch a movie which could be good times.
Talked to Ithaca and she's having a good time in Colorado. She might start seeing a guy there which is cool with me but is starting to feel shitty, I'll have to deal and I'll learn from it as well.
Wanna work on the squat garden more soon...

The Beginnings of a Squat Garden

Today I started the squat garden I wanted to start. I tried calling a few people to come help out but only Virgil showed up which is fine with me. We grabbed some gloves and gardening things that I found in my laundry room and went to the spot. It was full of trash, much more than I had realized, we started filling up a trash bag...
We used the old bricks to "fence" off an area that would be the garden and also a small area to the side to be a compost pile. We pulled weeds and removed the roots before composting them, moved rocks and wood, we tried to level the garden floor a bit, we'll need to use the stones and sticks for that, with some earth from the part of the lot we haven't started yet. After it started to get dark we went home, made a squatter flag, went back, tied it to an adjacent fence and then left for good. I'm excited to keep working on the garden in the future.

Long weekend

This weekend was good times, 'cept Friday which was pretty boring; had planned to hang out with Since, but she flaked. Saturday was good times, I stayed home in the morning and ordered some books I wanted online (crimethinc stuff mostly). Afterward I headed into Park Slope to a friend's block party where I hung out with friends. We went to an arcade for a bit and then back to the block party. My friends Bigs and Wedge had come by then and all three of us went to a party after stopping by Cipher's house to pick him up to come with us as well, (his dad gave me some good info about bike messengers).
At the party it was pretty standard, not much of any interest, the host and a lot of her guests were lesbian (which is fine in my book) but that group kept to themselves a lot and so I hung with Bigs and Wedge and a few people I knew and the groups didn't mix much :(
As the night grew old various party things happened: people made out, someone puked, someone passed out, people enjoyed greasy food, people played drinking games etc...
A bunch of us went to go sleep at a friends house to finish the night.
Brunch in the morning at a dinner, tabled a huge meal, pancakes, potatoes, waffles, French toast, was almost queasy from how much I ate. Hung out in Barnes and Nobles, I contemplated stealing a map of Manhattan but decided I'd only do it if I got a job as a bike messenger. Me bigs and Wedge went to Prospect and cut towards the front of the line to a concert. While we were waiting for the gates to open some guy tried to be smooth and cut in by befriending a group of young people behind us. This one girl was ICE cold and totally ragged on him until he came to us and saw that we really didn't care so he suck with us. He stuffed beer into his pants and was generally humorous. The concert itself stretched on forever, Talib Kweli, The Roots, and a bunch of bands under the banner of OK Africa performed. Unfortunately Talib only did maybe 5 minutes of performing, the Roots however were awesome so that was good. The problem was that most of the OK Africa were boring as fuck so waiting for the good acts was lame.
Left the concert and hopped on my bike and rode home.
Talked with Ithaca online a bit and now I'm writing this and of course reading anarchist propaganda...

Free books and other DIY projects

Today I made a squatter symbol patch and scanned in and uploaded the book "Off the Map" (which you should read). I'm planning on starting a guerrilla garden not far from where I am, but I'm not sure what to plant, I can plant beautiful stuff or food. For food I'm not too sure about the soil quality so I'd have to check that out, but it would be nice to have free plant food for everyone to take. The beautiful option would show people that there's potential in vacant land and that kind of thing, but isn't as utilitarian in the end.
I feel like wheatpasting some more also so I'll have to print and copy some posters I like and get to that.
Read and/or download "Off the Map" here:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/34137454/Off-the-Map
Share it and upload to other sites and all that, if you're afraid of copyright stuff, don't worry this book isn't copywritten...

Departure and Detainment

Today Ithaca left next NY, she'll be back a bit in about two weeks. We spent the morning in the house and then hit Manhattan to get a gift for her friend in Colorado (where she'll be the two coming weeks), we went to the whole foods market after reading a bit in Bluestockings. Afterward we went to Union Square and went to the whole foods there to get some food for her trip and for lunch. On the way out I was carrying Ithaca's shoulder bag and she had her backpack, she was a bit behind me and I heading out alone. After I breached the doors I was confronted by two men who barred my path with their bodies...
Long story short they found some food in my pockets and in a lot in Ithaca's bag and gave me a criminal trespass warning, so I'm not supposed to be in any whole foods again, Ithaca to apparently but they didn't take her picture and write down her (false info).
Luckily my lunch wasn't found, neither was the birthday gift I got for Ithaca or the things we took from the other whole foods :).
We ate (free) lunch in the park at Union and then just hung around until we met up with Ithaca's friend hung at a bar a bit and then I left Ithaca at the subway where she headed to her bus. Have fun in Colorado.
In terms of slutiness, we made an agreement; I can see Since and we can have sex but I can't go down on her, also I can't have sex with people I haven't known for less than 24 hours, we also agreed that I'd keep Ithaca up to date on what I'm up to in terms of being a slut. I told Ithaca I'm fine with her doing what she wants as long as she is safe and doesn't feel pressured into it, fuck letting people take advantage of you. I didn't tell her I'd like to know about what she does in terms of being a slut, but I'll send her an email about that afterward probably. I know jealousy a bit more now and it's a shitty feeling but with the distance and time gap I don't think I'll suffer any negative repercussions if Ithaca decides to mess around.
Also I might become a bike messenger soon and last night Ithaca got a pretty cool edgy hair cut :D

graves, food and parks among other things

Before yesterday was a day all about cheap food. Took Ithaca and a friend that's staying here to see DUMBO, where we dumpstered some (read: a lot) of pita bread at a bakery. After checking DUMBO a bit we headed to the lower east side to go to Bluestockings but ended up in wholes foods where I grabbed some all purpose soap and some cream for Ithaca's skin, she bought some hummus and lemonade, we went to the park nearby and had a picnic thing while we watched people playing basketball. I started to feel a bit strange at this point but I wasn't too sure why...
After foods we hit bluestockings and then went to my mom's friend's place to talk and hang out a bit, there I realized I was feeling strange but wasn't too sure why. We left after a bit and went to get bubble tea and Chinese food, I didn't buy anything but was able to table dive a soup and a whole order of noodles from a table nearby, after seeing me table the soup and noodles a girl nearby passed me a dumpling which was pretty awesome :D.
The whole ride home I thought about why I was feeling weird and settled various thoughts in my head while Ithaca and my mom and our friend talked in the kitchen. Everyone split up and I told Ithaca I wanted to tell her things in private at some point. She joined me a bit later and I explained to her that I felt jealous of her and our friend, not for any particular reason other than the way he carries himself and the atmosphere that hung around us at my mother's friend's place, Ithaca was stroking our friend's hair while leaning on me, which my mom's friend commented on, somewhat poking at the idea that we were a triad or having threesomes which Ithaca jokingly agreed with.
"Feel no guilt in your desire" I say this all the time whether it's about sexual preference or polyamory or whatever, and I explained that in the end I thought it would be totally okay if Ithaca did like our friend or if they had a history or anything like that but I felt uncomfortable not knowing what has happening. It turns out that nothing is happening in between them (despite a few sexual jokes and comments on his behalf that made me feel uncomfortable because they were about Ithaca) and what I interpreted as sexual tension was nothing, that's just the way he carries himself. I felt reassured and relieved. I feel it was the fact that I didn't know how Ithaca was feeling that bugged me more than the idea that she might like/be involved with/want to experiment with someone else.
Yesterday we all rolled into park slope, We checked out the food coop and got a tour. On the way out I ran into my yoga teacher from high school, she's going to start teaching martial arts and no longer teaches yoga to youth, she teaches adults with mental disabilities now, I wanna check out her martial arts class and see her again because she recently visited China and I'd like to hear about that.
Afterward we headed to the library and dropped Ithaca there and rolled around the park. we stopped twice; once to sneak into a cemetery (which went smoothly, except that we got spotted by a park worker but he was on the other side of the fence and didn't catch us) and once to read books by the water. We left after reading a bit and found Ithaca in the library and went home, watched The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and just hung around the house.
Today was alright too, woke early and went to the beach, our friend spent the day doing his own thing, he went to the MoMA and hung with a friend of his in Manhattan. After the beach I went to a friend's birthday in the park and hung there while Ithaca stayed home and then accompanied my sister on her "date" (she's been flipping out about this French guy that's visiting NY and staying at his grandmother's/my mom's friend's place). A bit into the "date" Ithaca sent a text saying she felt like a third wheel and I should come by, I stayed a bit longer at the park and then headed to meet them all near Union Square. Once there it was the same thing, sit around in Union, steal from Whole Foods, walk around alla that. Came home after that, where I am now.